I just started a new blog at savisadventure.tumblr.com, and I would love if some of you guys could go over and give it some support! Out of the many times that I have tried to conquer my body issues, I am going to try again, so I started the blog to document my “adventure” to a new me. I hope you guys join me, and hey, maybe you might learn something about yourself along the way.
Today, during my AP Lit class we read a poem where a girl was made fun of because she had a big nose and fat thighs. She was told to exercise and strive for perfection, but then when she realized she never be happy with her body she literally cut off her nose and her legs as a sacrifice. In the end of the poem she is laying in her casket and and the people that surround her finally call her beautiful.
I had to fight to keep back to the tears because it just brought forward so many memories. I remember being in my middle school science class and a girl kept pinching my stomach and laughing, saying “Wow, look at all that fat.” She got her boyfriend to jump into the teasing, and I struggled not to cry, and as I looked up I made eyes with the teacher and he looked away from me. He saw what they were doing to me and he turned away acted like it wasn’t happening.
I still remember it, gosh, like it was yesterday. It doesn’t hurt as bad, but it’s still like a dull ache in my side every time I remember it. I always have had body issues but they truly started in middle school because that girl found a way to torment me about my body in anyway she could. Words hurt more than people think, and what that girl did to me will always be stained in my mind.
So before any of you want to make fun of someone for any reasons just remember what you could do to them, because you could have a bigger effect on them than you ever thought.
So, like many of times I have given up on my weight loss goal. So like every other person on the planet I made it one of my New Years resolutions to lose weight and become healthier. Before 2013 I had already made some progress by making some healthier choices, like eating yogurt in instead of a sausage biscuit at school and cutting out drinking mocha frappes every week before work. I started running regularly and made a running schedule for myself to follow.
So towards my weight loss I calculated my BMI and I have a BMI of 25.8, meaning to lose a pound every week I need to eat at the maximum about 1800 calories everyday. So I found a small notebook to act as a food journal so I can keep track of what I eat throughout the day and I can total roughly my daily intake of calories. I also have the Nike Fitness App on my ipod that calculates my how many calories I burn during my runs, so I can deduct those from my calorie intake.
So I will start posting again to my Weight Loss Journal, and my goal is by the end of the year to have lost 15 pounds, because I really want to feel comfortable in my clothes, bathing suites, and in my own skin.
When I started my summer plan, I had this vision. That vision was that when I started school I would have this rocking body to shock everyone. Then I realized today that is completely pointless to try to lose all this weight just to prove to people I can. Me trying to get healthy and fit should never be done to impress other people.
I know that now.
I am doing this for myself, because this will affect only me. Because in retrospect no will care if I have lost a lot of weight. That doesn’t affect them at all, so why should they care?
It took me twenty-six days of countless hours of exercise and conscious eating to realize that.
I have failed miserably today.
Well actually I have felt like I have failed miserably this past week. My brain is going through this thing where it tells my body “Why should we care”. Like with very unhealthy foods. The first couple of weeks I was able to stay pretty healthy. But then I went on vacation and that just kind of slipped away. I still eat pretty relativity healthy, and I exercise on a regular basis for more than an hour. And I usually don’t feel temptation for sweets, that is until they are in my sight. It is then where I feel like I must have them, and that I must have them in my mouth. And I swear, I have the poorest will power known to man.
I try to think of all my hard work and the clothes that are now able to fit, but I cannot help but gorge on those foods when they are in front of me. God, it is just so pitiful. I need help, I need tips on how to keep strong willpower.
If any of my followers or people who just stumble on this post have any suggestions please don’t hesitate to talk to me. I will take any suggestions.
My mother bought me a skirt not to long ago and when I went to try it on I could barely get it past my thighs. I was heartbroken. But, my mom, unknown to me, kept the skirt in her closet. She gave it back to me yesterday and said “I will give you this skirt to help encourage you.”
So, today I tried on the skirt. And I was able to get it on. I felt so happy, and so proud of myself. It’s still a snug fit but that will change as the summer goes on. But, going from not even able to get it past your thigh, to over your hips and stomach is a feeling like no other.
It’s those little things that encourage you to keep on.
I am so proud of myself! Those bored hunger pains were pretty much gone today. I found myself able to occupy myself, watch t.v, use the computer without feeling the need to eat. I am so happy and proud of myself. I was worried that after my vacation that I would fall back into my same eating habits but I held out and I feel so good! Now I just have to get back into my workout schedule and I’ll be all set.
Vacations always knock me off-course. :P
I wish I had a scale.
My mom refuses to let one into the house. She tells me, “Weigh yourself by your clothing, on what fits and what doesn’t.”
That’s not going to work for me though. I need numbers, facts, data, something that I can see. It’s killing me not knowing how much I weigh and see if I have succeed at all this week. I really wanted to get my weight before we left on our trip but given that it’s night, I don’t think that will happen. I just pray that I won’t fall to hard to the temptation of snacking on our drive. That’s really what kills me.
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to blog while on vacation but I’m sure going to try, I hate falling behind because it is so hard to catch up if I do. haha.
I think I came into this diet with the wrong mindset.
As of today I learned that I cannot just eliminate certain foods, but eat some foods sparingly. All week I have been pretty good (except for the little cinnamon roll accident yesterday), and I realized I can’t deprive myself of sweets or I’ll just build up such a strong craving that I’ll just end up going on a binge.
No foods are off limits, no foods are banned. I just have to learn not to sit around the house and eat crackers, cookies, or chips all day and not expect some consequences (like me no longer able to fit into my favorite skinny jeans).
I still have to learn not to curve my boredom with constant snacking, but that will just take time to conquer.
This is like an emotional/mental journey haha, but it’s nice to get my thoughts down in writing. It helps on my own perspective of myself, which is always nice to have. :)
Food taunts me.
Today, after I got home from swim practice I walk into the kitchen only to see cinnamon rolls. They. Smelled. So. Good. Literally my mouth watered at the sight of them. My stomach screamed at me to eat one, but my head was yelling “Don’t you dare, you’re just gonna feel like crap afterwards”. It was like my body was at war with its self over a freaking cinnamon roll. I felt nearly ashamed, and even more as my hand tore off a piece and shoved it into my mouth. It was so sweet, gooey and warm. But, I tried stopped myself there. I had worked to hard to crumple at a simple breakfast treat. And my mom, realizing that my will power was starting to break, ate the rest of it before my devious hands were able to grab hold of it.
"I’m sacrificing my thighs for you." She said beneath a mouthful of cinnamon roll.
Sigh, I’m barely through week 1 and I already have heavy temptations. I know that it’s pretty normal, but please, the amount of diets I’ve been on I should be good at this. I just really don’t want to give up after two weeks and give in to my horrible food habits. It can only get better from here though.
Good night ya’ll!
Well, day two is completed and I feel good. I was less hungry than I was yesterday and I didn’t see myself staring blankly at the pantry as much as I did yesterday :) haha. But I was sooooo hungry after swim practice, so I had some vegetable fried and rice and some white rice (well, actually a lot) so that helped with the hunger pains. haha.
I’m going to try to run at least 3-4 miles every day, and then with swim practice as well I think I’ll be well off and also for cross country season! :D
Well, today went good! I went and ran 1.5 miles then swam for about two hours, I feel good! haha. I just need to learn not to snack so much and eat healthier. But, it is so hard to eat healthy when there is NO HEALTHY FOOD in the house. All the fruit we have has gone mushy, and the only vegetables we have is lettuce lol It is time for some serious grocery shopping.
My plan this summer is to lose weight, like almost everybody else’s lol. But, I’m tired of struggling to find jeans and tops that fit. I want to wear cute shirts and not have to hide under big t-shirts. I want to be healthy, and learn to eat healthy. I want to lose this horrible relationship I have with food, I need it to work for me not against me. So, I think if I put my progress here on Tumblr it might help. My goal weight is 140-145, and I weigh 168 as of right now. I already have my workout schedule planned out and I just hope I stick to it!
Pray for me ya’ll.